Edline News
I saw a wonderful cartoon in my Facebook feed this morning that, with a bit of tweaking, perfectly illustrates The Guardian, or at least those who swallow it without chewing, and wash it down with a dollop of Private Eye and a squirt of Byline Times.
Two men stand behind a brick wall. The guy on the left peeks through a peephole and sees droplets of water falling towards the ground. “See, I told you it’s raining,” he says to the chap to his right. The second chap climbs a ladder for a clear view of everything and observes a sprinkler system watering next door’s lawn. Yes indeedy.
I hardly ever read The Guardian, not because I’m averse to views that differ from my own, but because by the time I’m done with my pre-breakfast sift of digital communications and social media posts, I know what’s in it because it’s been assiduously regurgitated by several usual suspects.
As for the BBC, I’ve even less time for that once-noble now-failed institution. It defines Hamas as “an armed group and political movement” and Eddie Izzard as a woman. Before the advent of the term ‘fake news’, such BBC pronouncements would have been dubbed science fiction or hyperreality*.
Mind you, while The Times is – water industry excepted – my favourite source of news, I despair at some of their headlines. I can’t help but react judgmentally, cynically, sarcastically or despairingly, even before reading any further. For example, just this weekend we had:
This is discriminatory against, and therefore increases the risk of burglary for, people who have no suitable land on which to plant the required shrubs. It also disadvantages people like me. I’m the kiss of death to anything with a root, corm, bulb, tuber, rhizome or mycelium. What’s the difference between these? I have absolutely no idea. Personal incompetence aside, here’s another reason why such advice from the Met is unwelcome. Imagine the following scenario: burglar spies house; burglar heads towards window; blackthorn scratches burglar; burglar sues homeowner for subsequent sepsis; burglar also sues horticulture industry for racist naming of popular shrub. I’ll put money on it.
My first question is, what in God’s name is a ‘fairness handbook’ and when did it start to talk, never mind utter such utter claptrap? My second (third?) question isn’t actually a question but a dismissive statement: migrants who are in this country illegally are, by definition, being unfair to the rest of us, so jog on! Furthermore, the press also treats badly: ReformUK voters, Nimbys, water company bosses and Tommy Robinson. By inference, judges should also treat these guys more leniently. Go on – fault my argument if you can.
This says more about the fickleness, short termism and uni-dimensional thought processes of ‘liberals’ than it does about the quality of Teslas or political shenanigans of Elon Musk. And to all those complaining that Musk is unelected, so’s the wonderful, marvellous, sexy James Timpson, UK Minister for Prisons. If you object to Elon, you have to object to JT. Logic hurts, dunnit.
The fact, Dearie, that you ever trusted the Kill Bill in the first place should have been the headline. Put it this way, the bill’s sponsor, Kim Leadbetter MP, should be renamed Kill Leadbetter or Kim Lifebatterer or Thrill Kill. The safeguards that had been shoehorned into the initial stages of her bill, the intention being to worm its way past gullible MPs, are now being prised away, one by one. What we are left with is a licence to divert resources from palliative or even long-term care and to kill the vulnerable. Someone ought to remind Thrill Kill, and her partner in crime Thieves Reeves for that matter, that one day they too will be old and in need of heating and pain management.
Who cares.
Get a life, you silly tart!
You mean, Truss was right all along.
Who cares, and whatever happened to pithy and punchy?
Why do I think Vlads is not quite quaking in his boots?
My hero! But only if he includes France.
And I have to give the last headline to The Guardian:
Translation: Milibrain, a climate change zealot who’s trashing the British economy and natural world in pursuit of an unattainable objective (because of the way he’s going about it), and who didn’t flinch when his Cabinet mate, Rabid Rayner, mandated more ’ouses and therefore more green’ouse gases, thus making ’is objective even more hunattainable, ‘opes to fly – emitting even more gases – to China to work with one of the most ’ostile and polluting nations on w’at’s left of planet Eart’ (so what? Rayner drops ’er aitches more often than she drops ’er … er … fag ends), to counteract our most crucial (if erratic) ally and his climate-hostile policies that would be more easily counteracted by opening the Whitehaven coalmine so that Britian and Europe don’t have to import dirtier coal from Trump-land.
There you go – pithy and punchy.
Nickers, just say it as it is, nickers, not that we know if she wears or was wearing them when she tried do distract bold bumbling Boris when doing/attempting to do Sharon Stone when sat opposite him in Parliament.
ReplyDeleteI went off the Daily Mail as I got so utterly peed off with its sensationalist, alarmist, twisted, headlines, you'd think it wrote the book on scaremongerring, so I upgraded to the Times, my only complaint there is they are so anti water companies, their not all like Thames Wankers. Sometimes I think Fearful Shitface is on their Board of Directors. Then there is The Edge, internet sourse of news/miss news, platform for you name it they publisise it and a souse of ridiculously alarmist weather predictions, since last winer they've been forecasting/predicting/guessing cripling blizzards to sweel across the country, by the law of averagesthey are bound to get it right at some point. But the new article which sent me into an Increadible Hulk rage was seeing where this illegal immigrant is sueing the authorities because he claims if they'd acted quicker more lives would have been saved when the boat he was on sank. The git (and that's being polite, if not complimentory) shouldn't have been on the boat in the first place. They are not escaping war zones . France isn't a war zone, just a country with common sence and no bleeding hearts. I object to paying for my hotel rooms only to find section of the hotel swarming with migrants.
Long live Enoch Powell, he must be cheering in his grave, he was right, he is exhonorated.
I'll make one comment about The Eye, which in my book absolves it from all sin.
ReplyDeleteAlong with Computer Weekly, it was the one and only publication to stick with the Post Office scandal from the very beginning. I speak as one who had to scrape themselves off the floor having been hit with utter disbelief when Second Sight were sacked. At the time, I thought the PO was mad. Either you've got no problems with Horizon, in which case let them finish and give you a clean bill of health, or you've got big problems with it, in which case you've just made them worse by a couple of orders of magnitude (or more). Guess what.