Witch or Warrior

Kate Middleton impersonating a blade of grass at Wimbledon last week put me off watching the tennis finals. I’m not too struck on champion Vondrousova’s tattoos either. It’s not as if they’re brilliantly executed – she looks like she’s stumbled through a disintegrating ink-smothered spider’s web. 

A proper witch who annoyed me this week was Carol Vorderman; she took a cheap Twitter-shot at Johnny Mercer MP (Con) and his wife Felicity (more about her later) for not having university degrees. Did I say cheap? I mean tawdry. 

Then there’s Cara something-or-other who’s famous for doing things the world wouldn’t miss if she never did them again. She’s on my witch-list because she arrogantly refused to be interviewed at the Grand Prix. I don’t know why she refused. I don’t even know why it’s a big deal that she refused. I can’t think she’d have anything of any interest to say about anything anyway.

Judith Freedman, Oxford Emeritus Professor of Tax Law and British Tax Review editor, said that we need to raise more tax. She would say that, wouldn’t she, her career having benefited from the complications and iniquity of our tax system. Lord Frost of Allenton politely and expertly countered her preferred strategy with a low-tax alternative. She interpreted that as Lord Frost “having a go” at her. Strap on a pair, Dear.

Enough of these silly women. Let’s focus on the Boadiceas I’ve got a serious crush on this week. I’ll start with barrister Alison Bailey who was victimised by her chambers when she challenged Stonewall’s trans extremism. An employment tribunal ruled last year that she’d been discriminated against. This week she won a top payout. You go, girl!

Kemi Badenoch, Secretary of State for the Department for Business and Trade, signed the treaty for the UK to join CPTPP, the Indo-Pacific trade bloc. Critics claim that it will add just a fraction to the UK economy after 10 years, but they overlook the synergy with other trade deals, benefits to specific industries and businesses, more significant economic gains when other nations join the bloc, and the game-changing strategic advantages. But if said critics’ sole source of (mis)information is the Guardian and fellow Guardian readers, what ya gonna do? Kemi is also an anti-woke warrior. I’d love to see her stand for Tory leader again.

Suella Braverman, for being brave.

Liz Truss because, regardless of whether or not she trashed the markets or was the victim of orthodoxy and others’ incompetence, she has overcome a humiliation that would have done for many and come out fighting with a conviction born of patriotism, even if some of her preferred policy detail is suspect. I know that by including her on my warrior list I’ll piss off the usual suspects. For this reason and nothing else, all hail to Nadine Dorries as well! Yes, I have a wicked sense of humour. Deal with it.

The ladies of Iran who are refusing to cover their heads, and all Muslim ladies throughout the world, who are openly defying their brutal misogynistic regimes.

The ladies of Ukraine, for obvious reasons. 

Seema Misra, who was jailed when eight months pregnant for a crime she did not commit – defrauding the Post Office – when the Horizon computer system was to blame. Yet she carries herself with dignity to this day. They should strip Paula Vennels of her damehood – and every penny of her salary and bonuses paid during her disastrous tenure as PO CEO – handing everything instead to Seema and the other sub-postmistresses. 

Cathryn Ross and Lou Beardmore, respective CEOs of Thames Water (joint, interim) and United Utilities, for taking on their top jobs when the court of public opinion is, in truth, a rabid lynch mob devoid of facts, reason, perspective and sensitivity. Hugs to the ladies. Two fingers to the mob.

My BFF for checking in on me come what may. My BFF2 for always having my back, and for making me laugh. My big Sis, who’s been through so much but is still laughing, forgiving and selfless.

Queen of the Warriors this week has to be Tory MP Johnny Mercer’s wife, Felicity: she hits back at her husband's critics including silicon-babe Carol Vorderman, who hates Tories so much she’s become a pathetic parody of Angela Rayner.

Felicity, who could be my identical twin, told the Daily Mail that she won’t “just sit back and ignore this vile, vile stuff that’s being posted. To say all Tories are revolting, disgusting and corrupt is not true. I will push back on it because I am married to a Tory and I know there’s nothing revolting, hateful or disgusting about him.”

Absolutely. Mercer fights for British veterans. Vorderman fights for Twitter followers. 

This week, Vorderman remarked how neither of the Mercers has a university degree and asked, “So who’d employ them?” Her Titter-throng marched, Zombie-like, to her tune with comments like, “You guys are clearly thick”, and “You’re all going to starve and die”.

Felicity commented, “[Vorderman] pushes this hatred out there, and then everyone who can’t seem to think for themselves piles on top… When we first moved to Plymouth I was a cleaner because I couldn’t find a job. Johnny worked on a building site to raise money for his campaign [to become an MP] here. We both roll our sleeves up.”

The Mail concluded that she’d walk through hell and high water for her family.

“… I get really protective of Johnny. I don’t agree with that level of blanket hatred when she [Vorderman] tries to incite people to believe all Tories are evil and corrupt. It’s unhealthy and, in this day and age, possibly dangerous.

“For me, it’s about Johnny. I don’t care what they say about me, but I feel very protective over him … He’s the best person I know. To watch your favourite person being attacked all the time is really, really hard… I’m not alone in that. There are many other spouses up and down the land… who would give you the same story.” 

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!